i’ve been obsessed with this person who tormented me, whom i also tormented and that’s possibly why they chose to torment me, who was the source of my envy for months when they had what i was so desperately trying to get for myself, and i told myself it was for him too, that he needed me too. so don’t get me wrong, i understand 100% why they despised me, why they wanted to tear me down and make me feel as hurt and horrible as they felt. i get it. you did it, that’s not what i care about. nothing you have ever said in attempts to make me feel like shit about myself is what still keeps me thinking about you. it’s just that you have, that you have on time and time again that keeps me so interested.
all i want to know is why i’m still so interested in them? i don’t care, i genuinely think they’re a despicable human being and they’re the only living soul i’ve ever relished the thought of bad things happening to them. i’m ashamed of my curiousity, really i am. i know they don’t care about me at all, they don’t strive to check up on my social networking sites, don’t still think about the stupid things i said to them that infuriated them so, don’t plan out how they would kick the shit out of me if they could. so why do i? were you right, am i crazy? i know this is something that i need to tell my therapist, but how do i say it without feeling sick to my stomach with embarrassment? this is stuff that i’ve told no one, not even my boyfriend. maybe i need some closure, but that’s something i’ll never get. you’ll never let go of your insignificant grudge long enough to talk this through so maybe i can forget about it. because i am by no means, blaming this all on you or myself, i should have left you alone and after i got what i needed just let you be, but i wouldn’t be in the predicament that i am if you had done the same.
ugh wanna follow you but i’m pretty sure if i did you would block me or just delete
i used to be sad
i don’t feel as much anymore
(Source: , via moderatelyattractive)